Posted on October 31, 2013 under Thursday Tidbits with one comment

“Heat Wave” was a smashing success and the good news is that I survived unscathed. I received a lot of feedback on my website, on Facebook and out on the streets. Several women told me about some of their “episodes” in regards to their spouses. What a hoot.

I have three new stories more or less ready to go. One has a sports theme ( A Fall to Remember ); one is political satire – Question:  how do you get a skunk out of a window well? Answer: offer him a Senate appointment. Politicians and skunks all neatly wrapped up into a lovely piece called ” Something Smells.” The last story has to do with our love affair with cars, especially cars that reduce our carbon footprint. I was chatting with a friend who was regaling me with a story about her purchase of a hybrid vehicle. This brought back vivid memories ( notice I didn’t say fond memories ) about the first time a drove a hybrid. It was a rental and if you don’t know anything about hybrids, just getting them to start can be problematic. Coming soon… ” Hybrid Hysterics.”

And Facebook continues to deliver juicy story ideas along with a thousand recipes. One person was lamenting ” student discount days” at the grocery store, equating it with Saturday night at the pub.

Earlier today I was visiting a bank in Port Hawkesbury where they don’t know me and they offered me the senior’s chair at the counter. THANK GOD. I’ve arrived. The only thing that would have made it better was if it was cheque day. I missed it by one day. I was waited on by a lovely lady and it was only near the end of the interview did I confess to being a writer of humor stories. She seemed terribly concerned about whether I would “out” her. Luckily, Mary didn’t give me her last name! When she passed me a document to be signed, it got mixed up with the invoice from the company that shreds documents. What I received was a “certificate of destruction.” How can I not write about this.

Speaking of Port Hawkesbury, I will be doing a book launch there on Thursday, December 12th. at 7:00 p.m. in the Shannon Studio at the Civic Centre.

Exactly one year ago, I wrote a story about a trip I made to Walmart the day after Halloween. It is only fitting that I release it on Friday…. the day after Halloween. It is a theme that you’re probably tired of but it’s about me, shopping, lineups and checkouts. It’s called ‘ “Of Ghosts, Goblins and Checkout Lines”

And then it’s off for a little R@R.

Posted on October 29, 2013 under Storytelling with 2 comments

“Whenever I’m with him

Something inside starts to burnin’…”

Heat Wave by Martha &the Vandellas

I can remember very clearly, twice in my life, the moment that I felt I would spontaneously combust from overpowering heat.   Anyone who has ever run the Highland Games 5 mile road race knows that, without fail, it is always stifling hot the afternoon of this particular race held in July each year.  When you enter and exit The Landing, it is like immersing yourself in a sauna. One year it was so bad that the Fire Department parked the pumper truck beside the race course and turned on the hoses to cool down the runners.

The second time was just a few years ago when the temperature soared into the 90’s at the Boston Marathon.  Only the generosity of the million good souls along the route enabled runners to make it to the finish line.  The spectators provided mist tents, water cannons and garden hoses all along the way to keep us from overheating.

That’s all well and good.  But what if you’re a woman and you don’t have a million people to help you or the fire department is not readily available when a hot flash hits you at two in the morning?

Menopause manifests itself in many different ways.  It is a natural process and part of maturation.  Men, take my advice.    Show compassion, demonstrate understanding … and give the woman in your life a very wide berth.

It somehow seems appropriate that I am writing this advice column for men just after Fire Prevention Week.

If your wife suddenly disrobes in the middle of the night, do not think for one moment that love is in the air.  There is a very good chance that if you suggest anything romantic you will be visiting the first aid kit in short order.  A woman in the throes of a hot flash wants nothing more than to be cooled down, so unless you are running an ice bath for her, say nothing and do nothing.  Roll over to your side of the bed and pretend that you are dead.  Because, if you say the wrong thing, you just may find yourself in exactly that condition.

I know of what I speak.  My lovely wife is currently maturing like a good bottle of scotch while, in her eyes, I am regressing; like a bottle of beer left on the counter too long.   A “change of life” for men typically involves sports cars and younger women.  Instead of chasing after women I decided to pursue them in a different way… running marathons.  And my idea of a sports car is our five year old Yaris.  Add to this a new writing career and voila – my mid-life crisis, à la carte.

Menopause is an interesting term.  Those of us intimately acquainted with it know that it comes from the ancient language of the Amazon women meaning “take a break from men”.  Sometimes men in general, sometimes one man in particular.  Man-o-pause.

Now is the time for women to enjoy time with the grandchildren … or with that bottle of Nova 7 at the back of the fridge.  That course that she always wanted to take?  Go for it – and make sure that the other participants are also women of a certain age.  Who said that learning can’t be fun?  Hopefully the forty-something male instructor is enjoying himself too.

Many of my female friends are in that age range.  They don’t need to explain anything.  Occasionally their eyes well with tears or their cheeks suddenly become flushed when I am speaking to them.  I never had that effect on women when I was a teenager and my deep suspicion is that nothing has changed. And when they tear at their blouses and start flapping the collars, to the point of levitation, I know that this is not some ancient mating ritual.

Menopause.  The pause that refreshes.

Always a hot topic.

Posted on October 28, 2013 under Monday Morning Musings with no comments yet

As you saw from the picture I posted yesterday on Facebook, I had a lot of fun at the TOPS conference on the weekend. There were over 100 delegates and all but one of them were female. I was the guest presenter and, in addition to a few serious thoughts , I read three of my stories…. two from my book which I had received from the printers the day before. The third was “Heat Wave” which I saved for the very end. I thought that this was an ideal venue to test drive my story on menopause. Just in case things didn’t pan out, I parked my car at the entrance of the parking lot ,close to the main road, in order to make a quick getaway. I am happy to report that I managed to escape unscathed and sold close to two dozen books to boot. This was a warm and wonderful group of people. They obviously know how to have fun.

And, yes, “Heat Wave” will appear in tomorrow’s Casket and will be up on my website around suppertime.

Did you know that I played football for St.F.X. back in the early ’70’s? And did you see my grad photo on this page a few weeks ago? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a helmet that will fit over an afro? By a quirk of fate, I found myself doing the punting chores for the football team one fateful year. I was actually the equipment manager at the time but somehow I ended up playing for one year. I believe that this was the year that X started a long slide in that sport. In any event, I wrote a story about all the sports being played in the Fall along with my 10 seconds of fame ( actually it was 10 seconds of terror! ) . The story is called ” A Fall to Remember” and will be coming soon.

We’re still tinkering with the new website, including some video footage of the Len and Phil show from a few weeks ago. Hope to have this up and running in the not too distant future.

If you just can’t wait for my book launch ( Dec.5th. )  and need to purchase some books right away ( to send overseas to your loved ones ), they are available at Brendan’s Fairway and  Brosha’s Short Stoppe. You can also contact my editor, Clare Lazzuri at 735-2443.