Posted on October 21, 2013 under Monday Morning Musings with no comments yet

Man – O – Pause. Oops. I mean menopause. Last week I put an innocent comment on Facebook about an upcoming story that I’m writing about menopause. It is just about unanimous among the men respondents that I am neither brave nor courageous. They think I have taken leave of my senses. It’s hard enough bearing witness to this change of life let alone wading into shark infested waters by commenting on it. As I said to one person, I chose every one of the 616 words in the story very carefully. The story has already undergone four re-writes. It may surprise you that my editor ( Betty ) and I don’t agree 100% on the content of this story. I am hoping that The Casket will publish this next week. This may be one of those ” be careful what you wish for,” things. I may consider a prepaid funeral and a visit to see Joe about an appropriate headstone before publishing. In any event, I plan to go where no sane man has gone before. Coming soon, ” Heat Wave.”

Last Friday, Phil and I reprised our show for the Sisters up at Bethany. They were unable to attend our show at the university a few weeks ago as they were on retreat. I had a bit of fun with them while introducing the show. I told them that I heard other excuses for not coming including the flu and “prior commitments.” Don’t you love that expression. I mean, prior commitments could be anything from dusting the mantle to using the washroom. I told the Sisters that we accepted their explanation as utterly plausible. I am rarely nervous speaking in public but I wasn’t sure how we would be received. Guess what? Nuns are no different than us other than the fact they used to have bad habits! If you weren’t taught by nuns you won’t get that line. Google the word “habit.” We had a delightful time and were warmly received. The skunk story had at least one of the Sisters in hysterics.

I will have the book in my hands some time this week. I have received many orders already. My only regret is that just about everyone has indoor plumbing these days. The book would have been a great addition to the outhouse! Let me know if you want me to set aside a copy for you. Remember… a limit of 100 books per customer.

In conjunction with the book, I hope to have a new website up and running any day now which will include some new video footage from the fundraiser.

And coming tomorrow, the long awaited story about sex education.

Have a great week.

Posted on October 19, 2013 under Storytelling with 2 comments

We’ve all heard the expression “If the shoe fits, then wear it.”  But what if the damn shoe doesn’t fit?  What if it’s a size too small, causing you to have massive blisters?  Or too big, causing you to stumble as if you’ve had one too many?  Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes suddenly doesn’t seem all that attractive.

Coming from a large family, I know all about wearing things that don’t fit just right.  Long before Frenchys became fashionable, our house was a giant warehouse of used clothing.  The oldest occasionally got some new things to wear but for the rest of us, well, it was just “hand me down” city.  I distinctly remember wearing skates that were two sizes too big and having to stuff them with newspapers.  I’m glad that I was male and didn’t have to deal with bras.

And when we think of ultimate losers, when it comes to ill-fitting shoes, look no further than the trials and tribulations of Cinderella’s step sisters, Anastasia and Drizella.  Drizella?  How in heck could she ever become a princess with a name like that?

The Sound of Music ranks as one of my all-time favorite movies.  I know the lyrics of every song.  Surely you remember when Maria made clothes for the Von Trapp children using old drapes.  Maria was right into the recycling business long before it became fashionable.

I was reminded of this movie recently when a friend was explaining her musical debut as a child.  It was a concert held at her church.  She chose the song “My Favorite Things.”

Ah, the school concert where stars are born but more often than not, the place where many of us felt the first bitter tears of humiliation.  I remember performing in the play, “Rumpelstiltskin” and I was the one responsible for presenting the shiny gold coin made from straw.  Alas, when I put my hand in my pocket to extricate the coin, I had turned gold into thin air.

Back to my friend.  To add to the stress level of performing, she had the added pressure of wearing clothing that didn’t quite fit.  She had borrowed her older sister’s tights which were, by all estimates, about three sizes too large.

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens …” She started out on key, with high expectations.  Could this be the start of something big?  “Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens…” This is when she felt the tights start their slide over her backside and down her legs.  She gently tugged at them but as the song carried on, her patience wore thin; as the leggings seemed to have a mind of their own.  The aspiring actress was mortified as her efforts elicited chuckles, followed by snickers and then uproarious laughter from the audience.  Her singing career had come to an abrupt end.

Years later, with the passing of time and introspection, she was able to joke about this.  She changed the words just a bit and reprised her former hit song at a local watering hole:

“Girls in white tighties, with no damn elastic;

Made me look foolish as if I were spastic;

Wish I had never learned how to sing;

I’m over nylon, now spandex is king!”

Posted on October 17, 2013 under Thursday Tidbits with one comment

The last vestiges of the turkey are swimming in a big pot of soup. Don’t you just love the aftermath of a turkey dinner? It’s like a gift that keeps on giving. It was such a stunning holiday weekend. It’s terrific when everyone is taking a breather and really enjoying the down time with friends and family. And when the weather cooperates, it’s a big bonus.

Am I the only one who suffered mild embarrassment, bordering on humiliation, taking part in a school concert or play in elementary school? Not likely. Something caught my eye the other day about a friend who had her big singing debut in school that went badly. She had a “wardrobe malfunction” …. not quite like the one Janet Jackson had years ago at the Super Bowl. Her clothes were too big and you can probably guess the rest. Using the soundtrack from the “Sound of Music,” as the backdrop for this story, I have put together the sad tale of one youngster whose dreams died on the auditorium stage. It is called ” If The Shoe Fits” and I will be posting this on Saturday.

My long suffering editor ( Betty ) finished editing the story I was telling you about recently. It’s about the “birds and the bees” and a mother’s anguish about answering a difficult question posed by her son. I can’t give you the title because you will go scurrying to the dictionary. So, I will keep you in suspense until next week. I think it’s one of my personal favorites so far because it deals with a subject near and dear to parents. How do you answer those questions about body parts and procreation? I sincerely wish I could tell you what our principal at the time told us back in the ’60’s during our one and only “sex education” class. It’s not fit for mixed company.

I have received a number of book orders so far and with Christmas just around the corner ( I can’t believe I said that ), it might be a gift idea. Only $15. a book ( no taxes ) or 2 for $30! A limit of 100 books per person. Let me know if you want me to put one aside for you… or several. I will autograph them for you.

Hope you have a great weekend.