Posted on November 15, 2013 under Storytelling with 4 comments

I am a sports enthusiast.  I have played a lot of sports in my time and still watch my share on television.  Sports analysts are forever talking about “playing the percentages.”  Whether it is golf, football or basketball, you pretty well know what the risk/reward factor is at any given time.   And baseball is king when it comes to dissecting the game into incredibly useless minutiae where every play that has ever been made has been analyzed to death.  You pretty well know the percentage chances of a runner stealing home from third.

Into this arena of the sometimes incomprehensible deciphering comes the world of shopping, where understanding percentages is as important as breathing itself.

I was always pretty good at math.  I can calculate a 15% tip with ease.  I can do complex mathematical calculations on a solar powered calculator.  Mortgage amortizations.  No problem.  I can calculate the future value of a present amount.  I can even tell you how much money you will need in retirement, adjusted for inflation.  I can do this projection for single men or married men. Guess which of these will be retiring much later?  I don’t need a calculator for that one.

But for a good old head scratcher, try figuring out the bottom line when there’s a 70% sale on at a department store.

Just the other day, while on vacation, I had a small chore to do.  A haircut … a task that has become quicker by the day as my hairline recedes.  While readying to leave our vacation property, I happened to overhear a few women discussing a 70% sale on at a very popular store.  I casually mentioned this to my wife.  There was a perceptible quickening in her breathing.  “Would you like me to drop you off at the mall?”  This is like asking a heart transplant patient if they would like to be put under a general anaesthetic for surgery.  A rhetorical question that required no answer.

Several hours later, I was summoned for the pickup.  My wife had reached the checkout counter and would be out momentarily.  I parked outside the store and waited… patiently.  Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes.  I watched several men hunched over, on those classically designed concrete benches built for maximum discomfort.  They all appeared to be suffering from PTSD.  Post traumatic shopping disorder.

The glow on her face said it all.

“How did it go?”

“We saved $333,” was the excited reply, bordering on exuberance.  “I got 70% percent off everything and then when I got to the checkout I discovered that I got 50% off the 70%!”  My head was beginning to spin as I tried to work the numbers.  What was the actual cost of the merchandise in order to “save” $333?  I was coming along nicely when she threw me a curve ball.

I gingerly asked why it took 20 minutes to get through the checkout.  “Well, I decided to apply for the in- store credit card which gave me another 20% off the 50% off the 70% off.”  At this clip I expect the store to be handing out money along with merchandise.

By now I had totally given up.  We drove back to our place where I took refuge with a cup of coffee and the newspaper.  “Would you like to come and see my loot?” she queried.

I pretended not to hear her question.

“And, what did you buy?” she asked. I told her that I got my haircut for $12.00 and gave the barber a $3.00 tip, which by my calculation is 25%.

Examining my bald pate she retorted, “I bought clippers today – I’ll cut your hair for $10.00, no tip.”

I picked up my calculator.

Posted on November 14, 2013 under Thursday Tidbits with no comments yet

The full frontal assault on Christmas has begun in the United States and I suspect that it is no different at home. Actually, there were lots of signs of Christmas long before November 11th. Down here, Veteran’s Day is reputedly the second busiest shopping day of the year next to Black Friday around Thanksgiving Day. It is hard to fathom that there was ever a recession. I had the pleasure of driving the ladies to several area malls and the traffic was stifling. That’s the bad news. The good news is that it gave me fodder for a story. Because tourism is so vital to the economy, client service is a huge deal. It is ingrained in their DNA. There was at least one person at a gas station that didn’t get the memo on this one and she figures prominently in the story ” Shell Lacking.”

Not surprisingly, the Senate story gets absolutely no mileage in Florida, but the media is all over the Rob Ford story. I haven’t received any hate mail yet for yesterday’s story, “Something Smells.” High school football gets more coverage than stories coming out of Canada. This is not a criticism, just an observation. Just saying.

It’s hard for me to not write stories about shopping, especially because it is the principal activity of most of the tourists. I provide a vital service as a chauffeur to and from the malls for the women in our complex. It’s all about the deals. The discussion always comes back to how much money was saved. Never do I hear how much was spent. And how the calculations are made leaves my head spinning. I am reasonably good at math but when I try to figure out a 20% discount after a 50% discount on the 70% discounted price, well, I need to pull out the old slide rule. Coming soon, “Playing the Percentages.”

I brought a number of my books on the trip. We have friends from all over who congregate here every year on week 45. It is a bit surreal to watch someone sitting in a pool deck chair curled up with YOUR book and then engaging you in a conversation about a particular story. Not surprisingly , the whole notion of high school dances in the story “Those Were The Days” has themes that are truly universal. One guy was telling me about the humiliation of asking a girl to dance and being promptly “shot down” to the hoots and howls of his male buddies.

If you’ve never tried it, might I be so bold as to suggest Reiki if you want to alleviate stress and help with some lingering aches and pains. One of our time share friends is a Reiki master teacher and I spent an hour with her yesterday. Time and money well spent. Reiki is part of holistic healing. I am a big believer in non traditional medicine.

Hope you all have a splendid weekend.

Posted on November 12, 2013 under Storytelling with no comments yet

The call for help appeared on Facebook.  A skunk had somehow found its way into the window well of a home and a request went out for solutions to extricate it.  Suggestions ranged from the practical to the outrageous.  A grenade… really?  Eventually laying a few boards at an angle in the window well did the trick and mister skunk made his triumphant exit.

There has been a preponderance of skunks this fall for some unknown reason.  They seem to be everywhere.  Upon exhaustive research, I was able to glean that this is mating season for skunks.  They engage in what is known as the “fall shuffle” and voila; they give birth in the spring.

Skunks have very few natural predators, which doesn’t come as a huge surprise.  What self-respecting coyote or vulture would want to chow down on a skunk carcass?  Most skunks meet their demise trying to cross  highways and bi-ways.

When I saw the “request for proposals” from my friend, I gave it some thought and discovered a fool proof solution: offer the skunk a Senate appointment.

For those of you not familiar with the Canadian federal government system, we have two chambers at the federal level.  One is elected (Parliament) and the other in non-elected (the Senate).  If you count the bathroom, then there are really three chambers.  At least with the washroom, there is a convenient way of eliminating waste.

The Senate represents the ultimate in patronage, rewarding foot soldiers, hacks and major donors.  Star appointees are also extremely useful as fundraisers for the party in power. The sitting Prime Minister fills vacancies as senators are forced into retirement … at age 75.

The goal of any government is to have a majority in both houses.  The Senate is often referred to as the chamber of “sober second thought.” Another reason Toronto mayor Rob Ford is not likely to get one of these coveted appointments. They can technically stall legislation, but often they merely rubberstamp bills that have already passed in Parliament.

Our Senate is currently mired in controversy with claims that certain members have been receiving expense reimbursements and allowances to which they are not entitled.  It has turned into a three ring circus.  Why?  There can be only one reason – global warming.

Global warming is a remarkable phenomenon.  Tropical fish have been spotted as far north as Newfoundland.  Perhaps the common hog-nosed skunk, a native of Texas, has made its’ way to Ottawa.

When skunks are threatened, they squirt a fine spray of foul smelling irritant liquid from their anal gland.  It appears that skunks are somehow related to politicians of all stripes, who exhibit similar patterns of behaviour.  And, like senators, skunks don’t truly hibernate but tend to sleep a lot.

So how will Canadians get the foul smell out of Ottawa?  Many have suggested abolishing the Senate once and for all, which would save Canadian taxpayers millions of dollars a year.  But that would require all the provinces and territories to agree to change the rules of the game.  Don’t hold your breath – we’re still waiting for them to cooperate on a national securities regulator.

We should put our elected and unelected politicians to work, and ask them to earn their money.  Maybe they should be forced to scrape up some road kill, after they have cleaned up their act.