Posted on December 5, 2013 under Thursday Tidbits with 2 comments

 READY FOR LIFTOFF!

Who says there no such thing as a free launch! Come to the People’s Place Library this evening at 7:00 p.m., have a few laughs and enjoy some free refreshments. Can you imagine the gong show it would turn into if an author offered free booze, especially with the proximity to Piper’s Pub? We will be offering hot and cold apple cider and a few sweets… even some that are gluten free. I am pretty certain that at least two people are coming – my wife and my editor. I hope some of you can make it.

Some people were commenting that  the rain and high winds the last few days wreaked havoc on their outdoor Christmas decorations. While I feel badly for you, I must confess that I did not suffer the same fate. I didn’t put up our decorations yet and even if they blew to China, you would be hard pressed to notice the difference. I could possibly be the most unimaginative person when it comes to these sorts of things. I decorate outdoors and indoors with the same enthusiasm as putting out the recycling on garbage days. It is my duty. To paraphrase the infamous words of the late U.S. President, Richard Nixon ( when he was tossed out of office in 1974 ), ” I am not a Grinch.” For those of you too young to remember, go and Google this and see what he actually said.

I have two story ideas rattling around in my head. I have friends ( yes, I actually do! ) who returned from a vacation in Europe recently. When I asked them what they found most unusual they replied that paying to use a public washroom caught them off guard. This was especially nettlesome for the women as they had to pay and the men didn’t. How can I possibly let this one pass, me being the great defender of women’s rights! Coming soon, ” Don’t Pee Long.”

How come every single day, I come upon a shopping related story? One of our staff was at a downtown convenience store the other day replenishing our coffee cream supply for the office. She got caught in a lineup. The person at the front of the line was restocking smoking supplies… papers, tobacco and papers to roll the cigarettes. The person next in line, in front of our staff person, was discretely carrying a magazine, Hustler, to be exact. The rest, as they say, is history. Not sure about a title yet. Ideas? Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony did a song back in 1975 called “Do The Hustle.” It is ( was) a brutal song. Don’t take my word. Go and listen to it on Youtube.

Just to get everyone in the mood, I will be posting a story I wrote a year ago called ” O Christmas Tree.” If the radio stations can play the “Twelve Days of Christmas” every year, then I can post this story every year. Back in the day, we used to take our four small children to the woods and cut our own tree. Imagine the joy and bliss of that exercise if just one of the four was having a bad day!

If you happen to miss the book launch ( I cannot possibly imagine anything else being more important!!! ), I will be at the 5 to $1.00 on Saturday morning from 11:00 – 1:00.

Have a great weekend. And remember, the key to happiness is being grateful.

Posted on December 3, 2013 under News & Updates with no comments yet

When was the last time you used a yard stick?  Technically speaking, that would have been back in the early 1970’s, before Canada adopted the metric system.  Now we call it a meter stick.  Because I am a senior citizen, I can call it anything I want.

Truth of the matter is, you just don’t see them around anymore.

I was thinking about this the other day when one of the staff at the office was trying to extricate something from a deep closet.  This has always been one of the most common uses of this 36 inch piece of lumber.  It is great for sweeping toys from underneath the couch. You usually come up with unexpected treasures, like the remnants of a moldy peanut butter sandwich and everyone’s favorite, dust bunnies.

When I go to the local 5 to $1.00 store, I am still amazed to see the clerk portion out fabric using the good old yard stick.  And back in our school days, you learned all about accurate measurements when taking drafting and woodworking.  Robbie and Joe demanded precision.  What they got from me was anything but.

And my wife’s best friends, carpenters, are the masters of measurement.

By why has the yardstick, by and large, gone the way of the dodo bird?  I’ll tell you why.   Because it is not used to discipline children anymore.

You see, back in the day, a yard stick was used primarily as a weapon of ass destruction.

Yard sticks were kept in every classroom and home in the nation.  You would have thought that there was some fascination with this humble measuring device.  Not so.  In the era of “spare the rod and spoil the child” the yard stick was king.

You often hear the expression in sports that such and such a sport is a “game of inches”.   And John Denver popularized The Garden song when he sang “inch by inch, row by row…”  When I was a kid, learning about inches and feet had much to do about discipline.  If you were lucky, in school you only got rapped on the knuckles or on your skull with twelve inches of timber.  That could be for a moderate infraction, like forgetting to say the last Hail Mary with enthusiasm or placing a wad of gum under your seat.

When the heavy artillery came out, namely the yard stick, you knew that you were in a heap of trouble.   I remember with absolute clarity being chased around the house by one of the ladies that used to come to our home to help our beleaguered mother.  Originally she was hired to do laundry but, in truth, she was brought in as the enforcer.  When she cracked your rear end, wielding the yard stick with both hands, you could expect to be pulling splinters out of your arse for days.  It drove her crazy when this punishment was often met by laughter.

But alas, discipline, it seems, has had its day in the sun.  While I don’t condone violence, the yardstick didn’t harm most of us.  And my mother has forgotten this bit of folklore, as well as every bit of mischief that the eight of us got into over the years.  Apparently, we behaved perfectly … always.

Posted on December 2, 2013 under News & Updates with one comment

Fasten your seatbelts and let the mayhem begin. Despite what some of you must think, me being a non shopper and all, I am not a Grinch when it comes to Christmas. I will dutifully “decorate” the front porch in the same sparse manner that I have done for over thirty years, to the chagrin of my children. Until they offer to do it for me, that’s the way it’s going to be. I dragged Frosty out of the furnace room and asked him to pose for the picture above. You won’t find me in any stores unless I am picking something up on layaway.

Like everyone else, I enjoy hanging out with family during the holiday season and I love the music. I know the radio stations need to play seasonal music but by the end of the holiday season, I am ready to flog The Little Drummer Boy with his drum sticks. I enjoy going to the nursing homes to sing for the elderly and performing with the choir at midnight mass and on Christmas Day.

I am even threatening to learn how to wrap a present this year, for the first time,  but that would entail shopping. This is indeed a conundrum.

I bumped into a retired male mail carrier the other day. ( That’s not a typo ). We stood outside of Brendan’s for quite some time talking about my stories… and his. He regaled me with some Mary Ellen Spook stories. There’s something about the old stories that is alluring. Even the simplest of things.

Like leftovers and yardsticks.

I wrote a couple of stories on the weekend that certainly took me back in time. I swear I don’t live in the past but I sure remember it with clarity. First off, leftovers. I can tell you that coming from a large family, there were rarely leftovers when it came to food. It was out and out survival. You bellied up to the trough with the other nine bodies and protected your territory.These days, it’s very different. With just two of us at home most times, it is not unusual to eat a stew for four days in a row. And, as you all know, it gets better every day. Coming soon… “Leftovers.”

Does anyone use a yardstick any more? A meter stick for those of you born after 1972. I know they still use them at the 5 to $1.00 to measure fabric but truthfully, when was the last time you actually held one in your hands? I can remember the last time one left it’s imprint on my rear end.  Some of you were disciplined with a wooden spoon so when you read this story, simply substitute wooden spoon any time you see yard stick. Can you imagine a teacher rapping a student on the knuckles with a ruler in 2013? Nope. Better chance of getting struck by lightning. The story is called “Measuring Up” and I should have this up soon.

A reminder to my Halifax and area readers. I will be in the city this coming weekend and will bring along some books in case you want some inexpensive Christmas presents. ( Limit of 100 books per customer. The current record is 50 books )

And finally, this is a big week with my book launch on Thursday evening. I am looking forward to sharing a few stories and laughs. Hope you can make it.

It’s Monday. No whining. You’re alive. Embrace it.