Posted on August 17, 2022 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with 2 comments

 

The rocky shoreline at Black Brook Beach

 

“It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie, yellow polka dot bikini,

That she wore for the first time today.”

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie, Yellow Polka Dot Bikini – Brian Hyland

Ah, summer.

Beaches, barbeques, beer and bikinis.

Timothy found love in the late innings. After countless searches on various dating sites for older folk, he finally found the woman of his dreams. She was intelligent, curious, mischievous, playful, and quite attractive. They both loved the outdoors, spending quality time on long hikes. As long as there was a beach nearby to cool off after one of their adventures, then all was right with the world.

Maud loved to swim. No one had ever referred to Timothy as a fish, his swimming talents modest at best. A fish out of water, possibly?!

One minor inconvenience in this budding relationship was the fact that this couple lived several hundred kilometers apart. Getting together in the winter months wasn’t easy but the summer presented more opportunities with long evenings enabling one or the other to drive home after a visit.

Face to face visits were sporadic. Most of their communicating was done by e-mail, texts, and FaceTime

The romance was going swimmingly.

On one excursion to the beach, Timothy noticed that Maud was wearing something on her feet as she crossed the rocky shoreline and entered the ocean. He was quite sure that she wasn’t a mermaid and upon inquiry, discovered that she was wearing aqua shoes. This was something new to Timothy. Aqua shoes are a type of footwear that are typically used for activities where the feet are likely to become wet, like kayaking. They are usually made of mesh and have a hard sole used to prevent cuts and abrasions when walking in wet, rocky environments.

In Timothy’s youth, he had been a bit of a beach bum and as such, never needed fancy footwear on the beach, the soles of his feet as tough as the hide of a leatherback turtle. But now in his golden years and trips to the beach few and far between, the bottoms of his feet had the texture of unroasted marshmallows. He saw the wisdom of Maud wearing these shoes and commented on her common sense.

A knock came on Timothy’s door. It was the day after his birthday. A pleasant man from Fedex handed him a package. His heart swelled when he saw that it was from the new love of his life. “How thoughtful” he mused to himself. Maud would be arriving in a few days to celebrate his birthday belatedly.

He grabbed a pair of scissors and opened the package. In his senior years, Timothy found that much of today’s packaging of products required a degree in engineering to pry open.

He grinned as he extricated a pair of black aqua shoes. “What a sweetheart” he thought to himself. It was a generous and considerate gift and oh so practical. Now, when they walked from the cottage to the shoreline, he wouldn’t have to tiptoe like an intruder in the night. He immediately tried them on and did a lap around his apartment. They were perfect.

There was a second article in the package. It too was black and for a brief moment, Timothy cheekily thought that she might have purchased him a sexy, black Speedo bathing suit to go with his new footwear. He would cut a dashing figure on the beach. He fumbled with the packaging and soon discovered that it was NOT a Speedo. Timothy would not be wearing this article of clothing any time soon. It was a bra.

At first blush, Timothy was puzzled. But he quickly put two (cups) and two together and realized that her playfulness was on full display. He was already starting to think about their weekend together. Besides being mischievous, Maud was also a hopeless romantic and this gesture was surely a sign that love was in the air.

Or should I say love was an error.

He immediately went to his laptop and tapped out a message, thanking Maud for the aqua shoes and the bra. He teased her about the provocative and suggestive nature of the second part of the gift.

“You opened the package?” was her curt reply. “Didn’t you read the label on the package?”

On hearing this revelation, Timothy felt like a boob.

Men are not the most observant member of the species. When they receive a package or a gift, they usually just start ripping and tearing and leave the niceties of the sender until later. Timothy, indeed, had not carefully read the label. He had taken a cursory look at it and all he saw was Maud’s name. Yes, Maud had sent the package from Walmart, but she was the recipient of the package. Her plan had been to open it when she arrived for the weekend.

This was an honest mistake and oversight on Timothy’s part, and he apologized profusely but that still didn’t answer his lingering question about the bra. As it turns out, this had nothing to do with titillation. You see, among Maud’s many wonderful characteristics, prudence and practicality are two of her strong suits. In order for her to get free shipping for the aqua shoes, she needed to make another purchase. She opted for a new bra for herself. A Speedo had never entered her consciousness.

Timothy was forgiven for his transgressions, and he promised to keep abreast of things in the future.

Have a great weekend

Posted on August 10, 2022 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with one comment

L.U.S.T.

 

“Slip slidin’ away,

Slip slidin’ away,

You know the nearer your destination,

The more you’re slip slidin’ away.

Slip Slidin’ Away – Paul Simon

Yes, indeed. It sure feels like the summer is “slip slidin’ away”. It has been a hot one too. I can’t ever recall so many days being above 30. Many days, it was suffocating with high humidity ever present. Trust me. After experiencing -53 in the north, I can hardly complain about the heat.

So, let’s cool things down a bit.

Some summer silliness.

Here are a few things that caught my attention in recent days that either made me smile or left me shaking my head.

I was heading to the city last week. I know that some of my readers are not intimately aware of the geography of my hometown of Antigonish, Nova Scotia. This is irrelevant. I was travelling south on West Street. That seems like a contradiction. There’s a set of traffic lights at the intersection of West Street and James Street. I stopped at the red light. Across the intersection, there was a guy travelling north on West. Without warning, he made a left turn on the red light. Now, if the hospital or the liquor store had been on James Street, I might have given this guy a pass. Why the big hurry, you might be wondering? He was rushing to get into the mammoth lineup at the drive through at Tim Horton’s which, by the way, is directly across the street from the RCMP station. This man was risking a fine in the hundreds of dollars so that he could sit idling his car for several minutes to get his precious double double.

I try to be a charitable man. I know a handful of people who have never uttered a bad word about anyone in their entire lives. I greatly admire people like this even if I think that they secretly seethe at stupidity. Several words popped into my head as I witnessed this act of lunacy. Some of them are not fit to print. I came to the conclusion that this unfortunate soul must have had a challenging time in high school. His three most difficult years were grade 9.

Several weeks ago, before I went on my summer hiatus, I declared openly that I was no longer a Costco virgin, having taken out a membership at the Dartmouth Crossing outlet. I travelled to the city last week and with time on my hands, I decided to meander over to Costco to pick up a few things. I sadly report that one of these items was a new (and slightly larger) belt. It appears that the heat and humidity had caused my regular belt to shrink. If you believe in that, you also probably bought some crypto currency when it was cruising along at $68,000 per bitcoin last November thinking that it could only go higher. It’s around $31,000 these days.

Because I had had an early start to the day, I was a bit peckish when I arrived at the store around 10:30. It’s never a good idea to shop on an empty stomach especially when most of my purchases that day were food. I am utterly embarrassed to confess this, but I went to the food court and bought one of Costco’s famous large hotdogs and a Pepsi for $1.50. I am almost certain that I have never (knowingly) consumed a hot dog and a soft drink this early in the day.

I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day. His girlfriend was cat sitting for a friend. He was on holidays at the time and his girlfriend invited him to spend a few days with her. Being a true gentleman, early in the morning of the second day, he was in the kitchen making coffee for his beautiful friend. Smelling the coffee, she emerged from the bedroom. “Good morning, sweetheart.” My friend had his back to her, but her words were sweet music. He was feeling quite chuffed at her admission of affection. He thanked her for her loving words which elicited a huge guffaw. “I was talking to the cat, you fool.”

I now own a 15-year-old Toyota Prius hybrid. It was purchased in the U.S. It was a gift from my brother. Recently, he asked me how the car was performing. After all, the mileage was quite high when I acquired it. At 243,000 miles (391,000 kilometers), the car could give up the ghost at any time. I told him that the car was running perfectly, and it wasn’t even burning much oil. He told me that many cab drivers in Vancouver drive Prius’s and can often get up to 500,000 kilometers before trading them in. This prompted a discussion that went sideways rapidly. I told my brother that I could head for the coast and open my own taxi business. The best thing about this is that my expenses would be incredibly low because the only place I could afford to live was in my place of business – my car.

My brother thought that Len’s Uber Service had a nice ring to it. (LUS). I couldn’t resist the temptation to put my own spin on the name. I decided to go with Len’s Urban Service Taxi or LUST. He had an interesting idea for a slogan. I will keep you in suspense (mixed company). You can private message me with your slogan!

From the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous. There is a new sport making waves in (where else) southern California. Dog surfing. Let me repeat this. Dog surfing. Competitive dog surfing. I will keep my comments to myself for fear of barking up the wrong tree.

Hope the rest of your summer goes well and see you in September.

P.S. It is painfully obvious that I have had far too much time on my hands this summer!

Posted on July 6, 2022 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with 3 comments

Oh the humanity

 

Last week, I took my life into my own hands.

I did something that I never thought I would do.

I did not go bungee jumping, nor did I parachute from an aircraft.

I did not attempt to barrel roll over Niagara Falls.

No. This took a lot more nerve than those activities.

I went to Costco in Dartmouth and took out a membership.

Confessions of a Costco virgin.

Like so many other things in my life, it started innocently enough. When I got out of bed last Tuesday,  in my wildest dreams (or nightmares), I never would have thought that eight hours later, I would be deep in the jaws of a massive store. As reported in this space maybe 250 times, I am not a shopper. In my hometown there is a general merchandize store. Other than the grocery store and the liquor store, the 5 to $1.00 is about the only other place that I can go where I’m not panic stricken. When I go in there, I always know what I want. I simply walk down to the fabric cutting table, and Vera takes me by the hand and shows me to the right aisle.

Our son, Peter was home for a visit last week. He’s a bit of a health nut. Every morning he has a bowl of oatmeal filled with wild frozen blueberries, sliced banana, almonds, and pecans, topped with a small drizzling of maple syrup. I must be honest that purchasing the ingredients left me with sticker shock. Everything I buy these days causes heart palpitations. I had a bowl of this concoction, and it was delicious, nutritious and quite filling. He urged me to get a membership at Costco where I could buy these ingredients in bulk and save myself a lot of money. As I was taking him to the airport that very day, I decided to take the plunge.

I realized that any cost savings would probably be offset by the cost of fuel to get there. This dawned on me quickly after filling up my car before heading to the airport. I own a hybrid and $35 is the price I pay when there’s not a war going on halfway around the world. It took me about 10 kilometres (near Riverside Speedway – how apropos) for my heart to stop racing, after pumping $66 worth of petrol into my car’s gas tank.

I dropped off Pete at the airport. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and then I headed to Dartmouth. I reckoned that shopping at such a beastly place where temptations lurked in every aisle, would not be advisable on an empty stomach. I had lunch with a friend and then made my way to Dartmouth Crossing. I had only been to this mega shopping area once before. It took search crews three days to find me in the Ikea store. I actually used my Google Maps to save myself the aggravation of driving aimlessly in an area very new to me.

I knew that I was in trouble when it took me some time to find a parking space. Pete had told me that a weekday afternoon would be one of the quieter times to visit Costco… just not this Tuesday afternoon.

I was swept into the store by a horde of inbound shoppers and was nearly bowled over by another crowd leaving the store with their overloaded shopping carts of purchases. When I saw a lineup at the membership counter, I almost turned tail and left. While I was waiting my turn, I was looking into the store. It looked like the entire population of New Delhi (approximately 32,000,000 – give or take a few million) was shopping. My heart was beating. I messaged Pete who was waiting for his flight to depart. His comments did not instill confidence and reassurance. “When I go in, I treat it like a military operation. Deep breathing, intense focus, awareness of my route around the store, haha. The first time is always a little crazy.”

I didn’t want to go to war. I just wanted some almonds and pecans.

I finally got to the front of the line at the membership counter. A very pleasant woman took all of my information. She drew some blood (No. That happened later at the checkout!) and then surprisingly administered the MMPI. The Minnesota Multiphase Personality Inventory is a psychological test. I guess they wanted to know what kind of a shopper I’d be. I could have saved them the trouble! Editor’s Note. They did not administer the MMPI, but they probably should have.

I took a deep breath (as suggested by Pete) and entered the jungle. I grabbed a shopping cart. It was so big that I could have parked my car inside it and saved the trouble of looking for a space in Halifax.

Pete did me a huge favour. He sent me pictures of all the ingredients I needed with sizes and brand name. At least I had a fighting chance. I wandered aimlessly for 15 minutes, and my cart was empty. I thought of Moses wandering in the desert for 40 years. Would I find the “promised land” before the store closed? People were looking at me as if I was some kind of freak. I wanted to assure them that I was a legitimate shopper, but a person never feels comfortable admitting their virginity.

After about 10 km of walking, I found the first item on my list. I was waiting for a store employee to come by and pin a little gold start on my chest – you know, the ones our grade primary teacher gave us for good behaviour. Slowly but surely, I was able to find everything I needed. Mind you, it was now Friday and sleeping near the loading dock at Costco for three nights was no bargain!

Flushed with success, I made my way to the checkouts. When I saw the lineup in front of me, with carts piled to the ceiling, my heart skipped a beat once again. I had promised my neighbours that I would attend Canada Day celebrations later that week but with the horde in front of me, that seemed highly unlikely. I still had time to cut and run. I have no doubt that I wouldn’t have been the first to ditch my order and go hastily to Finbars for a large draft beer.

I must say that I was shocked at the speed that the line was moving. It seemed like there was a giant vacuum, sucking people through the checkouts. It was a model of efficiency. I thought I saw a smirk on the face of my cashier, Donna when she saw the paltry amount of goods I had purchased. Of course, I had a wee chat with her. I asked her if her head would be spinning at the end of her shift. She told me that she has been doing this for 23 years.

I did it! I was pretty chuffed as I made my way out of the store. I was no longer a Costco virgin.

And the very best part of this?

When I was getting my membership card, I was told that Costco delivered to Antigonish.

The MMPI would quickly ascertain if I had masochistic tendencies. If I choose to travel to the store rather than order on line, you’ll know the answer to that one.

In somewhat unrelated news.

Of course, to put large bags of blueberries and other assorted frozen products in my fridge freezer, I needed to do some rearranging. I discarded several pieces of old bread and other detritus that accumulates in a freezer over time. In the back corner there was a container of some sort wrapped in a plastic bag. You know how long it must have been there since stores abandoned the practice of handing out plastic bags a few years ago. I removed the bag and opened the lid of a frost encrusted glass dish. I pried open the lid. Maybe it was some frozen lobster that I had stashed for a chowder or maybe even some sweets that I had decided to freeze.

Nope. It was dried kale. It was obvious that it had died of neglect.

Have a great weekend.