Posted on February 5, 2025 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with 2 comments

 

All The Money (ATM)

 

WARNING. Cranky old senior’s rant.

“What we’ve got here, is a failure to communicate.”

From “Cool Hand Luke” – 1967

I am a patient man… until I’m not.

I have long prided myself in “keeping my powder dry.” I generally react well in stressful situations unless it has something to do with a computer malfunction and then I want to stand on the tallest building and toss it out the window. I’m pretty good at going with the flow. I rarely lose my temper. I am equanimity personified… until I’m not.

Client service.

Surely many of you old-timers remember a time when businesses giving good service was a given. All transactions were face to face. In all likelihood, you knew the person on the other side of the counter. Our local grocery stores at the time like the IGA and the Co-op had friendly staff who would go out of their way to make your shopping experience pleasant.

Oxymoron. Noun. A figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction. Example. Client service in 2025. Heavy emphasis on the second syllable.

I tried to place a call to a bank last week. Let that sink in. Have you tried calling a bank lately?

“We’re Making Banking Easier.”

Fake news. False advertising. Sorry. Banking was easier when we could call our local financial institution, have a live human answer the phone and have our question answered within minutes. I tried calling a bank last week to make an inquiry. In the time it took to get to speak to an actual “client service representative” (there’s that damn old oxymoron again), I could have walked back and forth across Spain a few times. It’s bad enough to have to wait an eternity to get to speak to someone going through the litany of options. “If you are running out of patience, please press 6”.

I propose a new tagline for this bank: “Making Cranking Easier.”

I tried repeatedly to give the CSR my name. I spelled it out in agonizing detail. “How can I help you, Raymond”? What we have here is failure to communicate.

“You’re Richer Than You Think.”

Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor, suffering from a fit of hysterics.

I wonder if the folks in their ivory towers on Bay Street have spoken to anyone in the middle class lately as we sink further and further into the abyss. The gap between the rich and the poor widens daily and with the new tariffs in place, that should drive down the prices of groceries, fuel and household goods. That’s not a typo. It’s sarcasm in disguise.

New tagline: “You’re Poorer Than You Can Possibly Imagine.”

Here’s another dandy.

“Let’s Make Someday Happen.”

Sadly, this will not happen until long after we have “slipped the surly bonds of earth”.

“Ambitions Made Real.”

You get the picture. I’m not a big fan of slogans and taglines. (I watched Mad Men and quite liked it). These platitudes are meant to obfuscate and keep us scratching our heads. Instead of paying ad agencies to come up with clever come-ons, why don’t the billionaires who run these enterprises take some of their massive profits and re-invest in client service. Being able to call your local financial institution and speaking immediately with a human being would be an excellent starting place.

Banks are not the only offenders.

Have you tried to get a hold of an airline lately? The only thing worse is having a migraine, a toothache and kidney stones simultaneously. I spent most of last weekend trying to book a flight. I had both a credit and a promo from two different trips and needed to speak to a live human being. What made the waiting time (“Your estimated waiting time is 3 months”) even worse was their choice of muzak. I thought I would go mad listening to interminable loops of the worst music imaginable. Of course, there is a method to their madness. They really don’t want to talk to you and want you to hang up. Which is precisely what I did.

Ah! That feels much better getting this off my chest.

“You’re Richer Than You Think.”

Don’t bank on it.

Have a great weekend.

 

Posted on January 29, 2025 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with no comments yet

Going for a Guiness record

 

“Long may you run, long may you run,

Although these changes have come.”

Long May You Run – Neil Young

Your New Year’s resolutions are lying shattered on the floor like thin ice on a lake. You managed to lay off the sweets for three days and 14 minutes, but you knew that that one was a sham. Your exercise regime, though well intentioned, lasted marginally longer. Your vow to be more patient lasted until someone in front of you at the checkout took way too long deciding which lottery tickets to buy. Yes, indeed. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Sometimes, it’s better to play “the long game”.

We all remember those first job interviews we attended decades ago. You researched the job position to the nth degree. You were brimming with confidence as you strolled into the meeting in your bell-bottom jeans and oversized belt buckles. Everything went swimmingly until you faced the inevitable question” “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Truthfully, you didn’t have the slightest clue what the following week held in store let alone gazing into the crystal ball. If we knew then what we know now we would likely have responded that we would be married, with three kids in shitty diapers, and hopelessly mired in debt.

A week ago, I was at school where I spend most of my waking hours these days. I was substituting for an English teacher, and he asked his students (mostly 13–14-year-olds) to write a brief story in their journals, listing 5 things they hoped to accomplish by the time they turned twenty. Finishing high school, getting their driver’s license, finding a good job and getting rich, topped the list.

As the room fell silent, I thought I would use the time to do a similar exercise. So, here is a list of the things that I would like to accomplish by the time I turn 80:

• Stay alive until I’m 80. In order to achieve this goal, it will be imperative for me to look after myself. I will need to eat properly, exercise regularly, do stretching exercises, get plenty of sleep and stop watching CNN. Actually, I stopped watching CNN the first time Trump got elected. Why not watch something gentle and wholesome like Heartland instead of worrying yourself to death.
• As long as I am well enough and have enough financial resources, I would like to continue to see other parts of the world. As I repeatedly tell my students, travel is THE best education.
• I would like to perform at a concert with my children and my grandchildren on my 80^th birthday, similar to what we did when I turned 70. Honestly, there is no greater joy.
• I would like to continue writing and if the stars align, to publish three more books bringing the total to a nice round 10.
• I would like to continue to teach and become the oldest substitute teacher with the local school board. I will have to go some to catch the Guiness record holder who was 96 and still wandering the hallways!

I’m a big believer in writing down goals, something that I consistently tell students.

When is the last time that you made a list?

Last Friday was a momentous day. Admit it. We all overdid it at Christmas, eating and drinking with reckless abandonment. I received my share of chocolates. No. That’s an understatement. I received enough chocolate that would have made Willy Wonka proud. After gagging down one more piece on New Year’s Eve, I decided to do the prudent thing and freeze the rest. There were enough chocolates still remaining to almost fill a large Ziplock bag. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Not so fast.

While the imminent temptation was removed, I knew that the chocolates were only a scant few feet away. My strategy was to grab a few, every once in a while, to satisfy my cravings. A few grew to many, and the frequency was almost daily. I am proud to announce that the Ziplock bag now lies forlorn with my other used freezer bags.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?

Eating chocolates… with any luck!

Absurdity? Irony?

I am at a loss for the proper word.

A few weeks ago, I decided to make a minor change to my homeowner’s insurance policy. I came home from school a few days ago and my mailbox was bursting at the seams. I thought it might be a backlog of Christmas cards. Nope. My insurer sent me seven (7) envelopes confirming the recent changes to my policy. On the front of the envelopes in big bold letters was the following:

“WANT TO CUT DOWN ON PAPERWORK?”

To avoid a charge of slander, I will not mention the name of the company but take a gander.

“And isn’t it ironic?

Don’t you think?

A little too ironic,

And yeah, I really do think.”      

Spot on, Alanis.

 

Posted on January 15, 2025 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with one comment

Isn’t it grand

 

“Regrets, I’ve had a few,

But then again, too few to mention.”

My Way – Frank Sinatra

How often have you heard something like this:

“I wish I had started saving money at a younger age.”

“I wish I had kept taking piano lessons when I was young.”

“I wish I had been a better student in school.”

“I wish that I hadn’t started smoking when I was a teenager.”

“I wish that I was 20 pounds lighter (or 20 years younger!)”

“I wish that I had travelled more.”

We all have regrets. The trick is to have as few as possible and then to let them go. Living in the past is not very productive unless you believe in second chances. Or you believe in time travel.  Marty McFly comes to mind. People spend so much energy rehashing and dissecting the past that it saps their energy for living in the present.

What if you happen to be in the later innings of life and feel that you could have done more or done better?

I’ve heard this expression many times before and it’s worth repeating. The best time to plant an apple tree was 25 years ago. The next best time to plant an apple tree is now.

It sounds crazy but it’s never too late to start saving money. It’s not likely that you will amass a fortune, but the act of saving is something positive. Give up one Timmies a week and put the money in a jar. You just saved $150 and at the end of the year you can treat a friend to a fancy dinner.

So, you quit taking piano (guitar, flute) lessons when you were a teenager. Your parents nagged you to death. Instead of watching endless hours of traumatizing news, grab that old Gibson guitar, dust it off and start crooning once again. You likely won’t end up being a headliner in Vegas, but you could possibly discover immense pleasure in playing Country Roads once again.

I am not especially happy with my university years. I could have partied less and studied more. Recently, I decided to try and assuage my guilt by rereading some of the classics that didn’t get the full treatment 50 years ago. Presently, I’m reading A Tale of Two Cities, the Charles Dickens classic. It’s more than 1,000 pages of the smallest print imaginable. My goal is to not go blind before finishing it! And, like my good friend, Dawn, you could go back and take some university classes in your golden years. Many universities offer courses for free to seniors.

Still smoking? I know lots of people (some by choice and many through necessity) who quit smoking in their 70s and 80s. Will it extend your life? Not necessarily but it might improve the quality of the years that you have left.

It’s quite normal to put on weight with the passage of time. We’re not climbing a lot of trees these days or running through forests making forts. Climbing a set of stairs is challenging enough. We’re more sedentary in retirement. I can tell you from vast experience, that losing weight is no fun and it’s hard work. However, the rewards and the satisfaction of being able to get into your old bell-bottom jeans (only joking!) is worth the effort.

There are so many days that I wish I was 20 years younger but an equal number of days that I’m overjoyed to be the age that I am. I can tell you one thing. Having spent the past number of years teaching, I wouldn’t want to be a teenager or the parent of a teenager in 2025.

Never been on a cruise? Never been to a country you’ve always wanted to visit? Yes. I know that travel is expensive, time consuming and more challenging these days than it once was. If you have the means, why not plan a trip? What are you waiting for? There’s still time.

It’s high time to bury your regrets, IMHO.

Next time you’re taking out the trash, toss in a bag of regrets. Make sure you put them in the garbage and not in the recycling container!

Have a great weekend.