Fanny Be Tender

Posted on May 18, 2013 under Storytelling with one comment

Admit it.  You like the Bee Gees.  Or, at least you did back in the 1970’s.  What was your favorite song?  Was it “Stayin’ Alive” or was it “Words”?  How about “Saturday Night Fever” or “I Started a Joke”?  One of my favorites was “Fanny Be Tender”.  At least that’s what it was up until today.  Let me explain.

I was in Halifax today to see my physiotherapist and also to check in on our new granddaughter, Leah Rose.

Gary is my healer and an appointment was arranged with him to try and alleviate the pain in my back and my neck.  He is an affable Newfoundlander.  He confessed that he was going to Fantasy Island for the weekend.  That would be Cape Breton for the uninformed.  Yes, the first long weekend is upon us and many people will be on the move, digging out the camping gear or heading to open up the cottage.  It is definitely a weekend for friends, family and food.

I expect that the grocery stores will sell many pounds, if not tons, of steak as people will gather around the barbeque for a feast, washed down with a glass or two of merlot.  My son-in-law taught me how to barbeque the correct way.  He is another Newfoundlander and they are culinary experts, having perfected other delicacies like cod tongues and jigs dinner.  One of the keys to a good steak is to properly tenderize it a few hours before cooking.  I have seen people go at raw beef with everything from a fork to a skewer, in order to pound the meat into submission.

I was pondering this as I lay on the examination table in Gary’s office.  Besides his physio skills, he has also mastered a technique to reduce pain by using acupuncture needles.  Except these needles are not your garden variety that scarcely pierce the skin.  No.  These are weapons of flesh destruction.  I have never had the nerve to actually look at them but I’m guessing they’re around three inches in length.  The fact that he needs to use his foot to push them in lends credence to my description.

Gary is inherently a pretty decent guy.  I know things are about to get worse when he tries to distract me with humour.  Sadists derive pleasure as a result of inflicting pain, degradation and humiliation on someone.  Now there’s a trifecta you don’t want to meet too often.  I am not suggesting for a moment that he is enjoying watching me writhe but it sure seems that way.  I swear at him.  He smiles and giggles.

He determines the exact location of the problem in the lower back and immediately starts jabbing needles into my butt.  Sort of like treating a toothache by cutting your toenails first.  But having been through this procedure before, I know what to expect.  I have a pretty good idea of what a steak feels like after being tenderized.

After the assault on my butt and lower back have ended, he moves up to my neck.  Several needles to the neck and, mercifully, my session of “healing” comes to an end.  Short term pain for long term gain.  While it sounds gruesome, it works.  He does marvellous work.

After visiting my newest sweetheart, Leah Rose, I’m back on the road home.  I start humming my favorite Bee Gees tune except I change the lyrics: “Gary, Be Tender with My Fanny”.

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