Getting it Right

Posted on August 24, 2013 under Storytelling with 9 comments

I have watched, with deep admiration, couples who have stayed married for a long time.  I have not done a conclusive study on the subject but it is apparent that there are themes that surface every time you talk to a couple who has spent the better part of their lives together.

It all starts with respect for each other, and… the toilet seat.  I once asked a couple, well into their nineties, the secret of their longevity.  The husband looked at me with a wry smile and said, “sixty years of me lifting up the toilet seat up and sixty years of my wife putting it back down.”  Very often the first question put to a man in a troubled marriage by a counsellor is, “do you faithfully put the toilet seat down after you use it?”  Sharing the domestic work load is also essential, as is discussing finances and resolving arguments quickly.  A wise person once said, “Never go to bed angry.”  There are hundreds of other things that go into a healthy marriage.

But the absolute keys to surviving marriage, if you are a man, are twofold: (1) learn how to say yes. Immediately after you utter the words “I do” at the altar, repeatedly hum the chorus to the Abba tune; “I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.”  Say yes, even when questions bear no resemblance to reality.  “Aren’t the neighbors’ three small children just sweet?”  You mean the ones that trampled the garden, peed on the side of the shed, screamed, fought and cried while their mother read Cosmopolitan magazine?  Yeah, I’m really glad we moved next door and, yes dear, they are sweet.

“Would you like to go to the hospital ladies auxiliary craft and bake sale?  ”Oh, of course sweetheart, I would much rather go spend two hours in hell than watch the double header on television”.  So guys, take it from me.  It saves time, energy, frustration and oxygen to just get in the habit of saying yes.

(2) The second key to a successful marriage is to realize that a man is never right.  You’ve heard the old expression “Two wrongs don’t make a right”. Have you heard the one “Two rights don’t make a right”?  If you are a man and your wife has an opposing view, it matters not that the empirical evidence is stacked heavily in your favour.  Ted Williams was the greatest hitter in the history of baseball.  I would be interested to know his batting average at home.

Have you ever been in a competition against your wife?  Don’t do it. The only thing worse than competing against your wife, whether it is a foot race or playing a “death to the finish” Scrabble game, is being on the same team.  We try to avoid competitions because there’s always a winner and a loser.  And remember, even if the man wins, he loses.  The fallout from a loss makes New York City after Hurricane Sandy look like the botanical gardens.

Just the other day, I was minding my business while on vacation, when someone suggested that a group of us go to a neighborhood pub for trivia night.  It wasn’t my wife who asked me to go so I knew I had at least two options going for me.  I had no intention of going to trivia. I actually like trivia but it doesn’t get started until 9:30 P.M. I am an early morning guy.  On this particular day, I was feeling somewhat bagged after a late night and a round of golf with my son in the hot sun earlier in the day.

My first response of no was not taken lightly or seriously by a small cabal of women sitting around the pool deck.  Men are used to being brow beaten. In retrospect, I should have just said yes and then snuck off to bed.  I made several mistakes in strategy.  I remained outdoors to watch the sun set along with the others.  The intensity and frequency of the attacks on my manhood (I believe that the word” wimp” was uttered more than once) increased exponentially.  Initially they tried to appeal to my intellect by actually suggesting that I had an intellect.  Women don’t do this readily and I immediately suspected that these pleas of participation were alcohol induced.  I think one of them even suggested that I was cute.  I now knew that I was dealing with a very dangerous enemy.

It was my turn to cook supper and I was asked to barbeque.  In order to get to the barbeque pit I had to pass by the pool.  It was dark by now and I tried to make my way inconspicuously but women on a mission have magical night vision.  I tried to avoid them as I would an army of red ants but soon after lovingly placing two New York strip loins on the grill, the second wave of assault was unleashed.  I was no longer cute or smart.  I was a lout and a deadbeat.

I soldiered on but eventually I caved in.  To their credit they wore me down and by 9:00 I was sitting at the pub with a stack of small pieces of paper.  You see, because I don’t drink, I was appointed the “runner”.  Years of marathon training had qualified me for this position of esteem.  Once our team had agreed on an answer, I was to write it down on paper and deliver it to the trivia master of ceremonies.

By the luck (?) of the draw, I ended up on the same team as my wife and the game began.  The first question of the night was about Greek Mythology: “Name the creature that was half man and half horse”.  Three people, including me, blurted out “Minotaur”.  Astonishing!  Consensus reached in seconds.  I looked to the end of the table and saw the troubled look on my wife’s face.  At first I thought she was having a reaction to the tequila in her Margarita. But, no, it wasn’t that look.  I know this look – the one that says, she’s right and I’m wrong.  “I think that it’s Centaur,” she said.  Certain that she was wrong, I lead the charge to overrule her and minutes later I deposited the answer to the quiz master.

A short time later, the quiz master bellowed through the microphone that all but one team got the correct answer.  A smug smile appeared on my face until I realized that Minotaur doesn’t start with the letter “c”.  My wife was right and for the remainder of the night, I simply counted the stars above and agreed with everything she said.

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