Heat Wave

Posted on October 29, 2013 under Storytelling with 2 comments

“Whenever I’m with him

Something inside starts to burnin’…”

Heat Wave by Martha &the Vandellas

I can remember very clearly, twice in my life, the moment that I felt I would spontaneously combust from overpowering heat.   Anyone who has ever run the Highland Games 5 mile road race knows that, without fail, it is always stifling hot the afternoon of this particular race held in July each year.  When you enter and exit The Landing, it is like immersing yourself in a sauna. One year it was so bad that the Fire Department parked the pumper truck beside the race course and turned on the hoses to cool down the runners.

The second time was just a few years ago when the temperature soared into the 90’s at the Boston Marathon.  Only the generosity of the million good souls along the route enabled runners to make it to the finish line.  The spectators provided mist tents, water cannons and garden hoses all along the way to keep us from overheating.

That’s all well and good.  But what if you’re a woman and you don’t have a million people to help you or the fire department is not readily available when a hot flash hits you at two in the morning?

Menopause manifests itself in many different ways.  It is a natural process and part of maturation.  Men, take my advice.    Show compassion, demonstrate understanding … and give the woman in your life a very wide berth.

It somehow seems appropriate that I am writing this advice column for men just after Fire Prevention Week.

If your wife suddenly disrobes in the middle of the night, do not think for one moment that love is in the air.  There is a very good chance that if you suggest anything romantic you will be visiting the first aid kit in short order.  A woman in the throes of a hot flash wants nothing more than to be cooled down, so unless you are running an ice bath for her, say nothing and do nothing.  Roll over to your side of the bed and pretend that you are dead.  Because, if you say the wrong thing, you just may find yourself in exactly that condition.

I know of what I speak.  My lovely wife is currently maturing like a good bottle of scotch while, in her eyes, I am regressing; like a bottle of beer left on the counter too long.   A “change of life” for men typically involves sports cars and younger women.  Instead of chasing after women I decided to pursue them in a different way… running marathons.  And my idea of a sports car is our five year old Yaris.  Add to this a new writing career and voila – my mid-life crisis, à la carte.

Menopause is an interesting term.  Those of us intimately acquainted with it know that it comes from the ancient language of the Amazon women meaning “take a break from men”.  Sometimes men in general, sometimes one man in particular.  Man-o-pause.

Now is the time for women to enjoy time with the grandchildren … or with that bottle of Nova 7 at the back of the fridge.  That course that she always wanted to take?  Go for it – and make sure that the other participants are also women of a certain age.  Who said that learning can’t be fun?  Hopefully the forty-something male instructor is enjoying himself too.

Many of my female friends are in that age range.  They don’t need to explain anything.  Occasionally their eyes well with tears or their cheeks suddenly become flushed when I am speaking to them.  I never had that effect on women when I was a teenager and my deep suspicion is that nothing has changed. And when they tear at their blouses and start flapping the collars, to the point of levitation, I know that this is not some ancient mating ritual.

Menopause.  The pause that refreshes.

Always a hot topic.

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