Monday Morning Musings

Posted on April 19, 2021 under Monday Morning Musings with no comments yet

Yes you are.

 

The diary of an habitual quarantiner.

(Sung to the tune of Abilene)

“Quarantine, quarantine,

Shittiest time, that I’ve ever seen,

People there, are never seen,

In quarantine, my quarantine.

 

I sit alone, all day and night,

Watching the planes*, fly out of sight,

Lord I wish they were carrying me,

Out of quarantine, my quarantine.”

Chorus

*I live near the airport.

 

Third time’s a charm?

Hardly.

Yes, I am in the throes of my third quarantine, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert. I expect to be considered the crown prince of isolation when I complete my fourth, upon my return to Nova Scotia at the end of May.

With all of this expertise, I thought it only fair to share some pearls of wisdom on how to survive being with oneself for 14 straight days.

What does a typical day in quarantine look like? Obviously, it is different for everyone. However, I believe that many of you can check off some of these boxes.

After you’ve wiped the sleep from your eyes in the morning and paid your respect to the great porcelain bowl in your bathroom, you head immediately for the fridge because the fridge will be the center of your universe for the next 14 days, 336 hours, 20,160 minutes or 1,209,600 seconds. But hey, who’s counting?

You make your first cup of coffee (tea/margarita) of the day and settle in to catch up on the latest news and sports stories. For the past year, the news is one repetitive loop. Latest Covid figures. Social distancing. Masks. Hand sanitizer. Bonnie Henry. Deena Hinshaw, Robert Strang, Janice Fitzgerald. Doug Ford about to explode. Jason Kenny being Jason Kenny. (insert your own comment) Teresa Tam. Dr. Isaac Bogoch. Federal updates at noon. After watching the news, you run around the room ten times (for exercise) saying “I can’t take it anymore”. Because you are a masochist by nature, you will watch the same newscast multiple times. If you start singing “My Bonnie (Henry) Lies Over The Ocean”, they might come and haul you away.

Most of the sports stories are about Covid related cancellation of games. Where is Dan O’Toole when you need him? Non-sports enthusiasts will not understand this reference.

You walk back to the fridge.

Thank god for social media. Facebook. Check. Messenger. Check. Instagram. Check. Twitter. Check. Is it possible to watch Downton Abby and Outlander five times on Netflix? Of course it is if you are cooped up for days on end.

The best part of the day is checking the obituaries. You want to make certain that you are still alive and haven’t succumbed to boredom.

You walk to the fridge.

Coffee, tea, margarita refill.

You can’t go outside unless you are quarantining on a desert island so of course, your curiosity is piqued. What IS the temperature today? This is possibly the most useless piece of information you will gather on any given day. Whether it’s -40 or +40, why should you care in your climate-controlled prison cell?

You check your e-mail. Despite the fact that Facebook says you have 859 friends, you know that’s complete bullshit. On a good day you might have five. When you’re quarantining, no one wants to write to you because they know you have absolutely nothing of consequence to say to them. But you still check it incessantly throughout the day. When all hope is lost, you bring up YouTube and delude yourself by singing along with Carole King’s “You’ve Got a Friend”.

You walk to the fridge.

Day 7. You’re starving for human contact, so you go and look in the mirror. It’s not a pretty sight.

You have a nap; one of the three or four you will have on any given day.

Day 9. You’ve got three books on the go and try and decide to read them all at the same time.

Baking. You should have bought shares in Robin Hood flour. If you had been smart, you would have bought one huge mother of a bag, like maybe 100 kilograms so that you wouldn’t have to repeatedly pester someone to go to the grocery store for another 10kg. You have never baked so much in your entire life. I see nods of agreement. You have never eaten so many baked goods in your life. The Bible says that it’s a sin to waste. You give most of it away, but your waistline is a dead giveaway. It looks like you’ve done your share of the eating of these baked goods.

Day 11. You rearrange the angle of your favourite television chair just a tad so that things look different on the screen. The first warning sign of quarantine burnout.

You walk to the fridge.

Day 12. You decide that the silver needs polishing until you realize that you don’t own any good silverware or silver polish.

You walk to the fridge.

Day 13. It’s time to do some light dusting. You even dust and vacuum the floor vents. You now realize that you are in deep, deep trouble.

You walk to the fridge. (Do you see a pattern?)

Day 14. You’ve watched the Prime Minister tell us for the billionth time that “we’re all in this together”. Your eyes are glazed over as you count the holes in the ceiling tiles.

You walk to the fridge.

What? It’s Over? I’m allowed to go outside? Can I really go out in my rubber boots and splash in the puddles? Can I go and play in the sandbox?

Not before one more pass by the fridge!

Have a great week.