Of Vice and Men

Posted on September 7, 2013 under Storytelling with 3 comments

Once again, marijuana is stealing all of the headlines for all the wrong reasons.  The leader of the Federal Liberal Party, the man who might be our Prime Minister someday, announced truthfully that he has smoked marijuana.  Now there’s shocking and ground breaking news.  He may have even inhaled.  Maybe we can apply under the “Freedom of Information Act “and ask his respirologist, just to be on the safe side.  If this is his worst vice, let’s call an election tomorrow.

I was pondering all this chatter in the news these past days as I stood in line, embracing my wholesome sandwich.  “Who did and who didn’t” seems to be all the buzz.  I noticed that the lineup wasn’t moving very fast.

Have any of you read the classic story “Pride and Prejudice”?  The opening sentence goes like this: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man of good fortune must be in want of a wife”.   Jane Austen must of have been smoking something when she wrote this.  A single man with money wants to stay single and keep his money.

I have my own version of this famous quote. “It is a truth universally acknowledged that I will always choose the wrong lineup in a store”.  This is especially true when there is only one cashier.  The law of averages is not working in my favor when this happens.

I have parted ways with many of my vices.  I eschewed all smokeables over 35 years ago.  I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in years and recently I gave up the worst vice of all: sweets.  I attend mass twice each weekend and at this rate will soon be considered a candidate for a monastery if I give up the last of life’s great pleasures… lottery tickets.  Gotcha!  I know what you were thinking.

On this particular day, I didn’t have time to pack a lunch so I ran across Main Street to pick up a delightful sandwich at a small convenience store.  I took my place in a small lineup and within minutes the lineup swelled to six people.  Unfortunately, the first person in the lineup was clutching lottery tickets.

I don’t have anything against lottery tickets but there ought to be one place in the town where all the lottery ticket freaks can hang out.  It is painful enough watching people spending the equivalent of a week’s grocery money on lottery tickets and smokes without having to watch them lay out their tickets and have each and every one validated.  You think they don’t know already exactly to the penny how much they’ve won?

After an exasperating ten minutes of watching this charade, it came time for payment.  The combination and exchange of cash, debit and lottery winnings would have befuddled the governor of the Bank of Canada.  I was all but ready to sacrifice my sandwich to a sound flogging of the customer.

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and the ordeal ended.  That is, until the next person in the lineup fumbled with her purse and hauled out a wad of lottery tickets.

Someday, I expect the store manager will find a mouldy turkey breast sandwich, sitting amongst the “Guns and Ammo” magazines.

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