Show and Tell

Posted on January 24, 2013 under Storytelling with 9 comments

The Snowbirds are heading south. And that means gathering up summer wear including a bathing suit. And if your spouse doesn’t have something modern, it may require a shopping trip. When is the last time you took your life into your own hands and agreed to go bathing suit shopping with your wife?

So you want a stern test of your marriage vows? Agree to assist your wife in picking out the perfect bathing suit. The first obstacle for a man is to actually walk through the ladies garment section of the store. Make sure that your wife is practically attached to your shoulder, otherwise you will get the “stares”. You just know what the other women are thinking, “ What is that peeping Tom doing here?”

When is it acceptable to tell a bold face lie? I can’t think of too many situations where lying gets you anywhere in life. Lying is totally acceptable, no mandatory, when your wife asks you “ how does this bathing suit look on me dear? Is it slimming?” Talk about a loaded question. What is the appropriate response? If you have been married for fifty years and have a terminal illness you might get away with just a hint of honesty. “ The color doesn’t quite suit you dear”. This is code for “ I can’t believe that you had the audacity to try that one on. “

It takes time to get the perfect match of style and comfort and this sometimes requires several, even dozens, of showings. I cannot think of many places more uncomfortable than the area around the women’s change room. What in the hell do you do when your wife is actually switching from one bathing suit to the next? I have discovered that staring at your feet is the safest thing to do. Better to be thought a stunned idiot by the other women passing by, than a leering pervert.

As sure as a bad flu eventually runs its course, the bathing suit war mercifully ends and the treasured garment is brought to the checkout – another heart palpitating exercise because you just know that your wife and the sales clerk are going to discuss the purchase… in detail. Finally, you have been granted bail for good behaviour and you return to your man cave to watch a football game. You have just settled in with a cold beer and a bag of perfectly salted chips when your wife appears in the doorway. It appears that she has been crying and I wonder if there has been a death in the family ( her mother, maybe? ) or if one of the pets has gone missing. “What is wrong, dear?” “ I look awful in this stupid bathing suit. Would you mind taking me back to the store?”

Just then, I hear thunder and lightning in the background. I grab a five iron out of my golf bag and stand in the back yard with the club held towards the sky.

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