The Wedding Planner’s Guide For Men

Posted on July 5, 2013 under Storytelling with one comment

Our youngest daughter is soon to be wed.  I have watched with a combination of admiration and astonishment as she and her fiancé have planned the modest event in the calmest, most laid back fashion humanly possible.  They have made it easy for everyone around them.  In my humble estimation, this is an exception to the rule… a complete and utter aberration.

I remember distinctly the day we got engaged.  Immediately after making the announcement and sharing a glass of champagne with my future in-laws, the wedding plans ramped into high gear.  I suggested a small, family wedding.  There would have been a better response from a conference of deaf people.  I found out very quickly that my outlook, well, didn’t count.  So guys, here is tip number one: your opinion simply does not matter when it comes to planning the wedding.  Do not offer any brilliant ideas because you will quickly find out that they hold no merit.  Get used to shutting your mouth, nodding your head and keeping a silly perma-grin on your face.  Your fate is in someone else’s hands.

My daughter’s wedding is going to be a small, intimate family affair.  If most men had their druthers, they would opt for one of those classy wedding chapels in Vegas where you can rent just about everything, including the wedding attendants and guests, including cheerleaders if you want them.

Many weddings these days can take months, and in some cases, years to plan.  By the time the couple says “I Do”, everyone is suffering mental fatigue, emotional hangover and insolvency.

Here is tip number two: if you are a man, your impending nuptials have nothing to do with you.  You are an afterthought.  Quite frankly, if you don’t show up at the ceremony you will hardly be missed.  Nobody cares what you wear.  Absolutely nobody is going to be looking at you.  If you have a plate of spaghetti and meat balls before the service and slobber some of it on your crisply ironed, white shirt, not a single living human being will notice the orange hue as you stand sheepishly at the altar waiting for your betrothed.

Tip number three: on your wedding day, stay out of the way.  Grab a few of your buddies and go for a game of golf.  I did.  Or grab the fishing rod and head out to some remote river where the only sound you will hear is birds and gurgling water.  Now if you are a masochist, you may not take my advice and may want to participate in some of the last minute wedding details.  You are one sick puppy so don’t ever come to me for advice again.

During the summer we often drive by the Cathedral as a wedding is about to take place.  I watch as the dazzling bride exits the limo followed by her entourage.  I start to roll down the window to scream at the top of my lungs “Don’t do it!”, but I am stopped by a stern rebuke from my wife.  She is on to me.

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