Thursday Tidbits

Posted on April 2, 2020 under Thursday Tidbits with no comments yet

HELP! I’m trapped in my apartment with an alien.

 

WARNING. THIS CONTENT INCLUDES GROAN INDUCING PUNS

A guide to self-isolation.

I’m four days into quarantine. Yes, I’m in the early stages but a few things have become apparent. I see trends emerging just like one might see on election night.

I have some techniques to share with anyone who cares to listen… all two of you.

Have a plan.

This is easier said than done especially if you have small children who are bored out of their skulls, driving you to ponder the imponderable of pouring yourself a glass of liquid courage shortly after noon time. Try to have some structure to your day. My own plan involves a lot of writing, reading and cooking and doing laps around my tiny apartment.

Now, some of you know that I am a walker and I especially relish long walks. I walked across Spain last May (713 km) and the Cabot Trail in late summer (300 km). Yesterday I managed 4,322 steps. Most of these were to the bathroom. I have decided to get back to drinking 8 glasses a water a day. This was nigh impossible while teaching up north as most of my day would have been spent running down the hallway to the john. I have done a calculation and in order for me to accumulate the mileage from my two big walks last year, it will take me about 321 years if I remain cooped up in my apartment.

I have decided to only shave once every three or four days. No, I’m not contemplating growing a beard. You see, the only person that I have face to face to face contact these days is myself. I stare in the mirror when I’m shaving and all I see is this homely mug staring back at me. We (me, myself and I) see eye to eye on this one.

I haven’t yet mastered the art of social distancing. It’s proving to be a challenge. I’m beside myself all day trying to figure this one out.

I find that these days I either drink alone or by myself. On this subject, I have found a very practical way of keeping my hands from my face. I simply have a glass of wine in both hands. Of course, drinking wine has at least two benefits. One is exercise. I have to walk all the way to the kitchen to fill my glass adding precious steps to my daily total. Also, wine lifts my spirits. Or do spirits lift my spirits? And in the category of “greater love hath no man than this”, a friend dropped off a real wine glass at my door the other day. Thanks, G.S.

Another exercise sure to boost the step total is making my bed and folding laundry. Yes, I make my bed every day but these days when I see the slightest wrinkle, it is an occasion for me to right a wrong. I dutifully note the offending creases and later in the day make a second trip down the hallway to rectify the matter. (125 steps) Ditto for the laundry. Folding laundry keeps your hands busy and away from the remote control… and wine bottles.

And finally, I have added “pillow talk” to my daily routine. (Aren’t you glad you read to the bottom of the page?) Whoa! Hold the presses. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, pillow talk is defined as “intimate conversation between lovers in bed”. I’m definitely not in love with myself although I do find that I’m talking to myself a lot these days, whispering sweet nothings.

Those of you not on Facebook (you have higher IQ’s than the rest of us) are missing out on my daily dose of pillow talk. No, I am not a sexologist. Each evening of my confinement at 7:30, I am doing a live reading of one of my humor stories. I have 1100 of them and hope that I won’t need to use all of them. The reason I have dubbed this gripping production “pillow talk, sadly, has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with old age. You see, most people reading this piece are over the age of 60 and if I don’t do the reading early in the evening, we’ll all be asleep by 9:00.

I was planning to do my live show at 8:00 but encountered strong headwinds when several loyal readers brought it to my attention that I would be going head to head with Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. The temerity of me to think that I could compete with Vanna White. “You’re so Vanna. You probably think this song is about you.” With apologies to Carly Simon.

We’re in a marathon folks and for your sake, I hope we hit the finish line sooner than later. Can you imagine what my posts might look like after a few weeks of this?

Stay safe.

P.S. Big time shout out to all the people on the front lines of this crisis. I especially want to send best wishes to my friends and residents at the R.K. MacDonald Nursing Home. I know you’re having a tough time. The staff at the R.K. do extraordinary work in normal times. These are NOT normal times and they deserve our love and support. They have helped our loved ones and now it’s time for us to return that support.