Thursday Tidbits

Posted on April 16, 2020 under Thursday Tidbits with no comments yet

Future site of drive thru confessional?

 

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”

After two weeks of confinement I am a free man.

Or am I?

I am feeling a bit guilty after a few days of freedom. What better way of shedding some of this angst than by going to confession, but not just any confession.

Every facet of life has changed over the past few months and this includes religion. For possibly the first time in recorded history, Easter and other religious celebrations were more or less shut down because of Covid-19. Churches and other places of worship had their doors locked tight. People were forced to worship virtually by watching services via the internet and television.

For Christians, the sacrament of confession is an important part of their Easter duty.

Against this backdrop, I was quite astonished to see possibly the first recorded drive through confessional somewhere in the United States. A priest sat on a chair in the bowels of a parking garage and waited as vehicle after vehicle pulled up. With appropriate distancing, the driver confessed his sins through the passenger side window.

I wondered what I would confess if I managed to get a coveted spot in the lineup.

“Bless me Father, I confess.

For the past two weeks, I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas until 2:00 p.m. Finding street clothes terribly uncomfortable, I got back into my pajamas at 3:00.

The updated Canada Food Guide suggested that I increase my fruit intake. Every morning around 9:00, I had some grapes. I hope you won’t mind but the grapes were fermented and came out of a bottle. One of my recipes called for lemon juice. Having none in the fridge, I opted instead to eat a large piece of lemon meringue pie.

One day, I watched Netflix for 9 consecutive hours.

In an act of defiance during self- isolation, I put my left foot two inches outside my apartment door.

I am sad to say that I had impure thoughts. I made a variety of cream pies during my incarceration and one night I dreamed I ate three of them myself.

I did not bang my pots and pans at 7:00 p.m. every evening for which I am deeply ashamed.

Staring out my apartment window, I saw my neighbour’s wife out walking. I coveted her runners.

There are so many other things, Father I could confess but I can hear vehicles behind me honking their horns waiting for their turn. As a matter of fact, the guys behind me is swearing like a pirate.

Oh yes, Father, I also disobeyed traffic signs and sped on my way down here.”

Whew! I’m some glad to get all of that off my chest but what is going to happen when all of the older priests are gone? With the ranks on the “farm team” stretched perilously thin, the church may have to go with ACT’s – Automated Confession Terminals. Yes, it is plausible that the day will come when a sinner will pull up to a drive through confessional. After entering a PIN number, he/she will then have to confess their sins by pressing a keypad:

For sloth, please press 1.
For gluttony, please press 2.
For wrath, please press 3.
For envy, please press 4.
For lust, please press 5.
For greed, please press 6.
For pride, please press 7.
For “all of the above”, please press 8.

After hitting “enter” the machine dispenses the appropriate penance.

I decided to give this new technology a test ride. After confessing a litany of transgressions, the machine spit out its instructions. I drove to the automated car wash on James Street. I parked the car and chose the “deluxe” wash and wax option. The large doors opened, and I walked in. My sins were washed away in a deluge of multi- colored foam and jet sprays of water.

Feeling completely cleansed, I went through the drive thru at Timmy’s for a large black and a box of Timbits; the drive thru at McDonald’s for an order of fries, and the drive thru at A&W for a Teen Burger.

Immediately I felt guilty.

I went back to the ACT and pressed number 2 again.

Have a great weekend.