Thursday Tidbits

Posted on May 7, 2020 under Thursday Tidbits with no comments yet

Return from outer space

(Pete MacDonald photo)

 

 

“Ground control to Major Tom,

Ground control to Major Tom,

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.”

Space Oddity – David Bowie

So, you have just returned from a two- year stint at the International Space Station. That is a long time to be away from home. You have been in a weightless environment. You feel a bit disoriented as you put your feet on Mother Earth for the first time in 730 days. You begin the process of decompression, but something seems odd and disorienting. Space travel will do this. You indeed feel a little spaced out.

You are finally reunited with your loved ones. You have dreamed about this day. You have pined for their company, their smiles, their touches. Then why in the hell are they treating you like you are some goddam parasite? They scarcely make eye contact. Loved ones? What a bunch of insensitive assholes. Not only do they refuse to hug or kiss you, they won’t even shake your effing hand. Has there been an invasion of space aliens since you left home? Ground control to Major Tom. Send me back into space.

As you make your way from mission control back to your hometown, you notice the paucity of vehicles on the highway. Where are all the cars and trucks? Are people flying around in space vehicles? The streets of your hometown are absolutely deserted. It looks like a ghost town.

You enter your house. It has a decidedly different feel to it. There are bottles of hand sanitizer everywhere and it seems like the family is trying their level best to avoid you. But then you notice that they are avoiding each other too. Everyone looks like they’ve put on weight. You wonder if your vision hasn’t yet adapted to your new reality back on terra firma. You rub your eyes. They all still look fat.

It is midweek and the middle of the day. Is everyone at home because they can’t wait to see you? Sorry, loser. They are being paid by the government to stay home and not work. They are all wearing t-shirts that say “FU Covid”. Who in the hell is this guy Covid? Is he the leader of a new cult that has emerged in your absence? Those not wearing the ubiquitous FU Covid t-shirts are wearing Netflix t-shirts. Of course, t-shirts are optional as it appears that people wear pajamas all day.

Feeling the need to get away from your family (you’ve spent a grand total of 3 hours with them), you decide to go for a walk, as your muscles have atrophied in space. You’re a bit wobbly as you head to the mall to pick up some real food at the grocery store. Outside the grocery store there is a lineup of silent zombies wearing face masks. You would think that they would be overjoyed to see their famous neighbor. They barely grunt as they keep their feet on their designated space.

The neighborhood grocery store, an important meeting place for generations, has all the appeal of a morgue. It is deathly quiet as if speaking might wake the dead. There are arrows on the floor and the herd marches silently, aisle to aisle. While the shelves are mostly stocked, there are two noticeable exceptions – flour and toilet paper. The checkout clerk has a huge spray bottle of disinfectant in her hands.  You wonder if it’s for you. You relax when you see the cashier wiping down the counter.

Upon exiting the store, you notice that there is a similar lineup at the provincial liquor store. This is puzzling. You have been told by your loving (?) kin that all stores are closed other than essential services like pharmacies. You meander over to the liquor store and ask someone in the lineup about this seeming paradox. They tell you that the provincial government has deemed that the sale of alcohol and legalized marijuana is an essential service. So, I can’t buy any flour, but I can step inside the NSLC and buy a bag of weed.

You come to the stark realization that you have spent far too long in space.

Your beloved library is closed but you are able to get the book you most desire on Kindle.

“Brave New World”.

“This is Major Tom to ground control

I’m stepping through the door

And I’m floating in a most peculiar way,

And the stars look very different today.”