Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom (And Whimsy)

Posted on May 1, 2024 under Wednesday’s Words of Wisdom with one comment

Child proofing or senior’s proofing?

 

Odds and ends.

WARNING. DARK HUMOUR.

In case you didn’t see it (shame on you!), my most recent piece was about death, dying and estate planning. Upon reflection, that may be why you decided not to read it. I received quite a bit of feedback as many folks in my age bracket are slowly coming to grips with the fact that we are indeed mortal.

I discovered that the purchase of a cemetery plot entitles me to two interments. It seems these days that there are endless promotions for BOGOs – Buy One Get One free. The crafty Catholics are right on board. I decided to check with family members to see if any of them wanted to ride shotgun. I suggested that we could form an “underground band’. It didn’t take long for one of my witty children to reply that the band could be called The Grateful Dead.

“If you go, then I’ll be blue,

And breaking up is hard to do.”

Breaking Up is Hard To Do – Neil Sedaka

Whether it is “puppy love” or a long marriage, breakups are difficult. Divorces have risen steadily in the past years although lately statistics seem to indicate that the phenomenon has levelled out somewhat. Let’s not spoil your morning coffee going into the details. Safe to say, some breakups are out and out wars while others are more civil and amicable.

That is, unless there are children involved. And no, I am not talking about the two-legged variety.

Custody battles are very messy affairs with more losers than winners. Against this backdrop, I noticed a story coming out of British Columbia last week. A couple was in the throes of a nasty and contentious separation. Sometimes these battles are waged in the courtroom with a judge passing judgment on who gets what.

In this particular case, the unhappy couple was not fighting over property, bank accounts or the subscription to the Globe and Mail. I may be barking up the wrong tree but from the brief description of the court case, it appears that these folks were fighting over the custody of their dog.

“A golden retriever named Stella is now part of legal history in B.C. after an upper court decision based on new laws that recognize pets as family members (my italics), not just property. The ruling is the first of its kind and stems from a claim filed in B.C. Supreme Court in New Westminster by a woman seeking to have exclusive care of the dog after she and her boyfriend broke up last year. But in his reasons for judgment, Associate Judge (S.N.) ordered that custody of Stella be split evenly on a week on/week off basis.”

I didn’t read in the court transcripts if the dog gave testimony.

Senior’s Rant.

It is often said that as we age in our golden years, we become more childlike. The neurons aren’t firing quite as quickly and getting out of bed in the morning resembles a child learning how to walk…or crawl.

I try my hardest to stay in good shape. I walk every day. Ditto for chair yoga. Trust me, I’m not lifting any heavy weights, but I do bicep curls with small dumbbells. I’m not about to enter an arm wrestling competition any time soon. So why is it that manufacturers make packaging almost impossible to open whether you’re a 2-year-old or a 72-year-old?

Last weekend I decided to make a batch of spaghetti sauce in the slow cooker. Preparations were going smoothly until I tried to open a jar of Classico tomato and basil pasta sauce. I know that I’m not as strong as I once was but trying to get the lid off the jar was borderline ridiculous. My first feeble attempt was unsuccessful as I grunted and groaned. I then took the end of a heavy carving knife (the wooden handle) and started tapping gently around the edge of the lid. I believe I uttered a few profanities. I then ran the lid of the jar under hot water which often does the trick. No luck. I swore some more. I then resorted to an old trick by wrapping an elastic band around the lid. I don’t pretend to understand the physics of this maneuver but after repeated attempts and more expletives, the lid finally popped off.

The spaghetti sauce turned out beautifully and then it came time to eat. I’m quite lazy as I opted to buy a can of parmesan cheese instead of buying the real McCoy. Try as I may, I simply could not twist off the top of the container to remove the paper seal on the inside. I was reduced to taking a toothpick and puncturing holes in the paper in order to extricate the parmesan.

Maybe this is all a sinister plan to drive old people crazy.

It certainly helps us to remember how to swear.

Have a great weekend.